Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Sounds about right! 💯
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems