Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.