Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.