I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!