Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.