Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.