[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.