I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.