You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.