One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*