Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car