Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.