If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.