My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.