Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.