Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.