My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.