Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.