If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Holy crap this is wonderful
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Where’s my employee discount too?