Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping