My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes