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@sixfootcandy : Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
@sixfootcandy: Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
@sixfootcandy: What's the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
@sixfootcandy: I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
@sixfootcandy: Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
@sixfootcandy: Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
@sixfootcandy: Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
@sixfootcandy: My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.