Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.


[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.


*puts on wrestling mask*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!


HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.


Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.


I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.


Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.


[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*


“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.