@sixfootcandy

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

@sixfootcandy

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

@sixfootcandy

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

@sixfootcandy

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

@sixfootcandy

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

@sixfootcandy

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

@sixfootcandy

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*