Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.