Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.