Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?