Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.