@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

@sixfootcandy

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

@sixfootcandy

Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.

@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*