[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.