Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom