“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.