(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.