My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.