When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.