My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
He wanted to make sure😂
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man