I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.