I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.