Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.