[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”