Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.