You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.