Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.