Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body