*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.