As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.