It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.