Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.