I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.