Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
happy valentine’s day to me
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.