Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker