*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Go hard or stay average
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.