“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.