She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.