Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀